Prose by me

I’ve been hollowed

I’ve been shuttered

I’ve been disoriented

Nothing made sense at all

Why did you have to leave so sudden

A goodbye would have been better

I wish I held you in my arms as you inhaled your last breath

I wish I heard your last words

Verily , we shall all depart some day , we shall all go away some day , it’s the only sing-song I consoled my shuttered heart with

I thought I was stronger

I thought I would be the shoulder the others you left behind would lean on

I thought I had been through it all

I thought you would be there until your 90’s

Yes, you will be here in my heart as long as I live

I felt the greatest pain cut through my heart

I couldn’t and I wouldn’t ever come to terms with this , this can’t be real

This isn’t you

Could someone wake me and and tell me it was all a nightmare?

I touched my body and face as many times I could

It’s heartbreaking to face the fact that you’re no more with us but you will be with us for the rest of our lives

I wish this story had a fairytale ending

But here you’re laying lifeless

I wish your life was endless

Honestly, you have been selfless

I’ve been hollowed

As much as I tried to fill the empty space you left , I couldn’t, I can’t , I can’t

I’ve been shuttered

I’ve been hollowed

I tried to break the icy hands death laid on you

I hammered each piece of ice

I warmed each part of the deadly ice

I wrapped all the warmth I could gather on your tender self

There , I realized , its icy hands were eternal, you left without a goodbye

But you know what Champion?

Even as you lay here breathless, I will hold on to all the best memories we had and shared

I will hold on to the love you shared

I will hold on to love

I will hold on to the best part of you than to be shuttered and broke hearted forever

Desperation sets my mood in crisis, my chest moves up and down in an unfamiliar rhythm with the greatest amount of sensation

I’d never been this anxious

This is a strange anxiety especially from a tall figure I do not really know

My breath began to move faster , in an inconsistent manner, afraid my biggest nightmare was crawling into my own eyes

Was he going to let me down ?

I have long waited in a short while to see the tallest figure who sent his figments flashing through my face

Did I have to wait that long ?

What could have possibly gone wrong?

Here I am , on a thin thread , trying to hold on to the last part of it so I don’t fall, splitting into inconspicuous pieces

His thin smiles popped out his triangle face , making him seem adorable

I have longed waited see those smiles on his face

could the memories I had of him be a mere figment of my imagination?

Certainly, all the memories of our meetings were just in my head , they never happened, in this short while , I’ve been virtually attached and addicted to talking to a tall figure who seem to be an exact copy of a non existing figure ,having seemingly endless long conversations

I sat studying the time like it was for my survival

Each second the clock ticked , my heart ticked along with the handle

Knowing that was just a figment of the tall figure

yet I waited in anticipation of floating in those colorful memories

A stream of emotions swept my imaginations of him , leaving a broken picture of the tall figure.

I was not a figment of my imaginations as you thought, it is a fragment of destitution

I feel empty

So empty that I can feel my shells crack by a soundless touch

So empty that the sound of my breath echoes louder than a rambling thunder

What you do not know is, those feelings of emptiness are mere cracks

Mere cracks that can bring down my whole being just like cracks on a falling building

So much emptiness that the sound of the soundless could be heard as loud as a roar

All alone

All alone

lost in my thoughts

I fought every miniature of emotion to search for my survival

I understood the darkness of emptiness

All I needed was saving

With my arms stretched, trying to reach out to my savior to pull me from the ditches and tunnels of hollowness , a hell of a hollow dark tunnel weaved with silence of a dead end

He threw down a rope so i could clad around my waist and crawl up to the light at the end of my emptiness

I could not hold on to his grip and fell deep down into a deeper phase of desolation.

It’s a merrily harmonious melodious tune, so touching, slowly addictive .

Making each rhythm played by the instrument of one’s affection so loud yet quiet .

So calm, intense, nerve wrecking, an appropriate pill in the right proportion for soul soothing . Each word clinches you , from the base of your gloominess and radiates the euphoria of your excitement . Nothing else matters !

My heart sang .

The cold evening breeze blew my nicely styled hair covering my little face, I wondered if it was an indication that I had to leave

The clock struck half past seven, I knew I had to leave

My heart had yearned for this moment , I had forever anticipated his arrival , a classical presence of a happily ever after tale , I realized I didn’t have to leave

All the elements of time stopped , my breath seized, I froze in an attempt to get hold of my breath , it was a sparkling silver saloon car , parked right there with the drivers door opened

Filled with all the eagerness and cheerfulness, I walked briskly towards it , confused about how to take my steps , I appeared right there to see a smiley face staring into mine

An illuminating smile , I could never forget

His dark brown eyes caught mine

An illuminating smile which lightened his dark face ,projecting his white teeth

My emotions splashed all over my face,I expected to see a taller man but that didn’t change a thing

My breath sunk ,my heart opened and warmed up, another look at him locked my eyes up to his , I wasn’t sure it was a mere attraction as he got closer to embrace me . Those tender touches were striking , I felt a rare vibration through my entire body , a last long look into his eyes ended with the first kiss

I wasn’t sure how it happened, it was so fast , that honey kiss gathered all my emotions to project the difference between a mere attraction and a real affection I felt at the moment.

The beginning of my obsession.

During your deepest – darkest fall ,that fall is the greatest . In those dark days, there is an extreme abstruse . Entirely no trace of a single ray of hope and reliance .

Characterized by despair and the loudest cry for saving . Astonishingly, dwindling every chance of faith and straying all the light in your life away, unto the steers of desperation. Dismayingly , you clad yourself into the coils of extreme sadness, is there an expiration for these desperations ? In the snug of your seemingly unending trepidation , the heart is entirely shuttered, broken and destroyed by those fated happenings.

During these trying times, there’s nothing that can revive your sunken soul from dying along with your emotions either than your very self . Words are powerful, words will heal you , time will heal you “, those are just sing -songs you will always hear to decrease the pain exerted on your heart ,body , soul and mind .

It’s inevitable, it cannot be done away with, it’s bound to happen, you cannot stop them from happening , they will drown you so deep, beyond the depth of the ocean yet, you need to save yourself .You must swim ashore and sail those sentiments. Bring back the ray of light to brighten the darkest part . Open up those wings and flap them wide . It is not the end of the world or the struggle. With struggle comes pain before grace .

Words are easier said ,you may whisper to yourself as you read this piece, yes words are easily written so is drowning in the pool of pain , anger , despair . It is not easy to fight back and hold your grounds against the inevitable. Similarly, it is not easy to watch yourself drown when you can revive that hurting soul of yours . People will find you , try to fix you and pull you out of the extreme darkness into the light but it’s always up to you to keep standing tall amidst all the unfortunate trepidation that you cannot avoid .

When the silence gets quieter

• 

When the silence gets quieter, the silence gets louder . Who can make a sound out of the soundless ? Silence is peaceful only when you’re peaceful . The sound of each and every cracks pops out louder than a dynamite ,  that is how peaceful the silence can get . I sat quietly with my mind preoccupied with nothing! Racking those brains to produce something . The rage caused by those quiet sensations were the loudest distractions my silence could ignite . I wondered, was it really silence or a cluster of unspoken memories and words ? Were they tied up to my tongue or  couldn’t be projected? A stronger deliberation revealed , there could be a quieter silence ,there could be troubled silence, there could be the loudest silence accompanied by the biggest distractions to make it exceedingly troubled  ,when the silence is not quiet .

A feeling of loneliness is nothing compared to a feeling of despair
Lost in thoughts
 Emotions fought
Every sentiment cuffed races your thoughts
The sound of a silent cry brings forth the painless wound of your woes
Each sigh of relief refreshes the painless wound of a distorted heart
Quietly, you’re claded  in dry tears
Tears of inconspicuous pain ,only you can feel
There you lay, in a bed of spines no one else sees and feels
Each sigh subtracts  from your lively life
Each breath darkens the glow in your life
The thought of what eats you up gathers a layer of a thick dark cloud ,only your eyes could see.
At this point, the good and happy days come to an end
there, loneliness packs its bags and moves to reside in you
The power to evict the ill man called depression lies in your hands
A whole army of consolation and encouragement may march to you but you must assemble all the strength in you to fight it
That feeling of loneliness is nothing compared to a feeling of despair
Rebuild that urge to fight any form of depression.

It’s hard when you get crammed by emotions and you cannot take consolation in the fact that you will get better.
It’s harder when you do not know the kind of sentiment that haunts every element in you.
It’s seem harder when you’re not sure if you are being swept away by your emotions or you’re still in control of those emotions
It’s hard when you cannot tell the kind of sentiment that haunts your happiness.
It’s harder if you cannot simply draw a line between loneliness and depression. How can you tell the different between exasperation and depression ?
The thin line that dances between you and that playfully mischievous feeling is desolation.
It’s hard for you to read between those lines.
It will definitely be harder for another person to read what you could not.
That melancholic rhythm you feel playing inside you chases away every single joy little by little.
The miserable moments play the leading role, driving you to a total state of self-rejection.
Well, that is not certainly hard yet.
The series of monologues you encounter could be harder.
Yes, harder because you become self-centered.
Making it harder for anyone to embrace a downturn.
It’s seem harder if an angel does not come tumbling to save you from drowning in an ocean deep with depression.
Certainly, it’s easier for a strong, well-disciplined and highly esteemed heart to overcome most of the stormy moments, alone in an island of their thoughts.
It’s easier when their sentiments flood in folds, for a guardian angel to turn those sentimental outburst into joyous ones.
What happens to those who terribly shelled up?
A feeling of total rejection glue emotions capable of making friendly foes with suicidal thoughts.
It will be hard when you do not affront the foes moving with depression.
It’s harder when you are left in total desolation far from redemption.
Until you see the true reflection of the blues, you cannot tell the kind of sentiment that haunt a depressed person.

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton